The Friendly Introvert

I like you. Please go away.

It’s me. I’m the Friendly Introvert. And I kindly ask you to go the f*ck away for, like, five minutes. Please. Thank you. Prayer hands emoji.

I mean, look, I know I’m asking for it. I’m a snail. The round, Fibonacci sequence is beloved even by three-year-olds. That’s how I know I’ve got it going on. I’m inherently attractive, but not so much that I’m charismatic or desirable. I’m the mildly lovable pudgy guy who snorts when he laughs. I’m not popular, but I get by on my affability alone. I have a good handshake.

I like you. I truly do. I come to work because I like to see people and hear what they’re up to. I like helping others, sorting out tangled ideas on whiteboards. I like being useful, a source of experience and information. I like pulling pranks and cackling around the coffee machine.

So, naturally, you pop into my office from time to time to say hello. I greet you warmly and hope to God you don’t sit down.

I like you. I also want you to go away.

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The Paradox

Last night, I had a dream that I was back in my old workplace, the place that let my team go after eight years. In Dreamland, this place was undergoing remodels, and the last few folks were there finishing up paperwork and getting it ready to shutter. I was looking for some of my old stuff I had left behind. At some point, all the memories came flooding back of how incredibly lonely and isolated I had been over the years. In my dream, I began to cry.

I woke up a bit puzzled. Yes, there was an era where I was isolated. The team was being eaten away slowly, the pandemic happened, and for about three years, I ended up having an entire section of the building to myself. Every time someone buzzed in to get to the archive room, I’d jump and curl up into my shell.

I became terrified of the beep of the keycard reader, of the “ploing!” of the Teams notification. I dreaded what someone could possibly want from me. I rarely went to the other side to say hello to my colleagues. They weren’t there half the time. I felt lonely and scared of people at the same time.

In retrospect, I understand what was happening. I was lonely. I was isolated. I needed friendly interactions that I wasn’t getting. I was also introverted. I was also set on edge by a crippling amount of work, chaos, and a lack of support.

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Burnout & Introversion

Burnout doesn’t require isolation to happen. Indeed, for the introvert, it often involves the presence of too many people with too many opinions pointing you in too many directions, taking up too much of your time.

The presence of more people activates your nerves. You just want them all to stop talking.

When you’re overwhelmed, it’s natural to want to curl up in your shell and reduce the amount of input into your brain.

But because you’re the friendly one, people are drawn to you. They feel safe around you. They spill their thoughts to you… sometimes too many of them. You feel like they expect you to always be the safe and kind one, the one who’s bubbly, the one who will pick up their spirits. The one who will always help.

But you need quiet. You need time to process. You need focus. You need to be left alone.

And you have no idea how to tell them, kindly, to f*ck off.

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People are Clueless

Here’s what I learned. When you’re friendly, some people don’t know that you have another side — a side that needs quiet so quiet that it’s deafening. Some of them don’t know how to read all the signs you’re giving off that they should get lost.

You’ve looked at the clock.

You’ve continued working on your computer.

You’ve given them the disinterested “uh-huh”.

You’e stopped responding to them all together.

You’ve walked into the bathroom. They followed you.

After all this, you begin to bristle. To hate them. To hate all extraverts. To wonder why you ever allowed yourself to be so approachable in the first place. Your resentment grows in both directions. You’re afraid you’ll snap.

When they finally go away, you grab your Screaming Pillow™ out of the filing cabinet, close the door, bite as hard as you can, and let the veins pop.

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The Escape Hatch

Here’s what I also learned.

There’s a way to get out of it without being a complete dick. And you’re going to need to practice it.

Here are some lines I’ve used for different situations.

The Hallway Blocker

Start with when you get stopped in the hall. (Because I know you get stopped in the hall.)

“Hey, Snailboat, you got a minute?”

“I have fifteen seconds. I gotta get to a meeting. Can you send me a message?”

Sometimes the look of shock on their face will make you cringe inside. But hold your ground.

This is what people talk about when they throw around the word “boundaries”. But you don’t have to get all Tumblr about it and pull out your wide eyes and your Z-snap. You just have to be honest.

“I’m a bit tied up right now. Can you catch me later?”

“Could you email me about this? I’m going to forget what you said in about five minutes.” chuckle

“Sorry to cut you off — I’m in a bit of a hurry. Can you pop something onto my calendar? I want to make sure we have the proper time to talk about this.”

It’s unlikely that people will find this rude. Everyone’s been overworked and in a hurry. They get it. And if they think you’re rude, well,

The Doorway Hoverer

This was the one that really got my goat. It was tough for me to balance my empathy for those who were just lonely and my need to focus, get my work done, and socially recharge.

The idea here is to start off the conversation with clear intent. Let them know right away, with your words, that you don’t have a lot of time. You can even delay the conversation.

“Hey, glad to see you. I’m finishing up something right now. Could you give me… 10 minutes?”

“Hey, what’s up? I only have a few minutes; can I grab you after lunch?”

These are especially helpful for people who just want to chat. It stops the word-vom before it really gets flowing, but doesn’t make them feel put-off.

If you have time to help with work-related tasks, but aren’t up for spending your limited energy hearing about their esoteric interest in Medieval History and hentai fusion, try this one-liner:

“What can I help you with?”

It actually makes them stop to think. Often, they’ll be open about just wanting to chat. Then you can suggest to schedule a time to catch up, grab lunch, etc.

The Meanderer

This one still gets me. The Friendly Introvert, for all the practice you’ve had dealing with the Hallway Blocker and the Doorway Hoverer, becomes trapped.

You’re in a conversation and realize suddenly that you need to get out.

Or you’re going to die.

Have I perfected this art? Absolutely not. But we can all aspire to keep trying — so put down the piano wire and try some of these lines.

“Sorry to cut you off — I need to get back to writing this report. Was there something you needed my help with?”

“Hey, this sounds cool. Could we finish this conversation over lunch? I gotta get back to it.”

“Oh! I just realized I’m late for something. I gotta go. Sorry!”

And then just run. Run.

What This Actually Does

The beauty of these vocal fry bOuNdArIeS is not that they just get people to leave you alone for a few minutes.

They signal to others that you actually have a job to do.

It shifts their image of your role as “the entertainer” or “the friendly one” to “my coworker”.

In other words, they realize that you’ve got sh*t to do. Just like they do.

They might be a little put-off at first. But that’s okay. They’re adjusting to the fact that you’re no longer always available. And when you start doing it more often, they might even start figuring things out on their own or seeking social interactions from others. Things become more balanced for both parties.

Good Luck Out There.

And if you have any tips for how you’ve survived your extraverted colleagues this long, PLEASE, for the benefit of everyone reading, drop them in the comments. (I’m looking at you, evasive British people.)